A Realist's Guide to Surviving the Zomb-ocalypse

Last night, I watched the first episode of The Walking Dead, a new show on American channel AMC, which also shows Mad Men. Over here, it's going to start on FX on Friday night. I couldn't wait, plus I don't have FX, so I had to go down the "watch it online" route. What's intrigued me about the show most of all is that it's created for TV by Frank Darabont, who, if you didn't know (and it should be punishable by death if you didn't), directed The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile and The Mist, all three exemplary films. Darabont has also written and directed the first episode, and I believe he's staying on as an executive producer or something like that. If the pilot's anything to go by, the show will be a success, and since 5.5million people watched the episode, not bad for a basic cable channel, in fact their biggest audience ever, it seems likely the show will run for a while. I certainly loved it. Apart from one glaring piece of stupidity that always seems to crop up in zombie films/TV shows.

Say you've woken up from a coma, as Rick Grimes has in TWD. You walk around the hospital and find a door changed shut, with "DON'T OPEN DEAD INSIDE" written on it, and said dead people's hands are making grabs at you somehow. You also leave this hospital, and in the process, find piles of dead bodies, even more filling up trucks. Once outside the hospital grounds, you also come across a makeshift army base, with abandoned Humvees and helicopters, and no living person in sight. Is it really that wise to go back to your family home in search of your wife and child while you're still in your hospital gown? It's a cliche that's growing rather tiring, and sure, I'd be scared shitless in that situation as well, but there's no way you can expect to survive with your balls hanging out and your arse in the wind.

So now, here's my guide to surviving a zombie apocalypse. First things first, I'll be making a few assumptions.

1) I've just woken up from a coma. I'm also at the hospital in Larbert (keeping it local)
2) I have no idea where my family is.
3) I have no knowledge of what's happened in the outside world.
4) I have no form of weaponry at hand. I've been in a coma.
5) The zombies will be slow, but can be large in number.
and 6) I'm pretty weak. I've been in a coma.

Yeah, so this basically depends on me being totally unaware of what's happened and having incredibly bad muscle strength. And in no way dressed to survive the Zomb-ocalypse.

So I now present to you THE REALIST'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING THE ZOMB-OCALYPSE!

Step One: Before you even THINK of leaving that hospital, work on your muscles a bit. If you've been in a coma, you'll have very little muscular strength. Build it up for a while, most likely running will be a skill you will have to have. Walk around the hospital, get the lay of the land. Stock up, and go to a safe room, preferably a larger room with a couple of beds and with a toilet in the room too. Use the extra bed/s to block the door at night when you're sleeping. Also, use no light if possible, and take the curtains from the beds and use them to cover the windows. You should find a stapler to do it somewhere.

Step Two: Find food. Now the Forth Valley Royal Hospital in Larbert has a WH Smith, a Starbucks, a restaurant and a few vending machines scattered about the place. Even for the fussy survivors, there'll be something. Stock up as much as you can, and after Step Three, head back to your room.

Step Three: Take disposable cameras. WH Smith sells disposable cameras. Take some. You'll want to document your movements. It might not sound like a top priority, but I think it's a good idea.

Step Four: Head back to your room and prepare to leave. Before you go, make sure you have:
Something you can swing (pipe, crowbar, bat)
Something you can throw (knives, scalpels, cutlery, anything that might slow them down)
Something you can eat
Something you can drink
Something you can take pictures with
Upper body strength (pushing them away)
Lower body strength (kicking and running)
and warm clothing (At a push, hospital scrubs will do, if you want the 28 Days Later look).

Also, DON'T PHONE HOME. The sound of the phone ringing might attract more zombies than would already be there and may just end up eating your family alive if they weren't prepared. You wouldn't want to be responsible for that, now, would you?

So you're ready to go, you have food, weapons and a change of clothes. NOW you can try to find your family. If, in the extreme likelihood that they aren't there, take what essentials you need, and a family photo, on the off chance someone you come across has seen them. Because I'm only across the road, it'd take about 5 minutes to get home. Obviously, not everyone will have this stroke of luck. If you have tents, sleeping bags, rucksacks or any other kind of camping equipment to hand, take them, they'll come in handy for my plan of action.

Step Four: Head to the nearest garden centre. I'd actually focus on surviving, not just killing zombies. Pick up as many packets of seeds, and children's "grow your own vegetables" packets as you can. I'm going where people can live self-sufficiently, where there are easily distinguishable landmarks in case of a communication crisis, somewhere only accessible by boat... Tobermory, on the Isle of Mull.

From Larbert to Tobermory

You might think I've gone off my nut, going to Balamory, but think about it. The island's huge, so it's perfect for growing food and making new settlements, and there's only just under 3,000 people living there, so it's hardly an un-manageable population to wipe out if everyone turns into the walking dead. You could easily outrun them, and there's plenty of hills that are perfect for 360-degree vantage points. If you look at the route in blue on the map, it's a bit wrong, in that I'd avoid large cities entirely. Instead, from Larbert, I'll take the route in the red, avoiding Glasgow, the largest (and therefore most likely to be heaving with zombies) city in the country. As you can see, with the exception of Stirling, I'll be pretty much avoiding densely-populated areas, which is a reason why Scotland's a great place to be if you encounter a zomb-ocalypse, you're unlikely to get chased by hundreds of newly-deads north of Dundee. Precisely why I'm going to a sparsely-populated island on the west of Scotland, hopefully to live without feasting on human entrails for as long as possible. I think I'd do well.

Darren out.